In the movie Liar Liar, Jim Carrey plays attorney Fletcher Reede, who’s been cursed with the inability to lie. Every attempt Fletcher makes to lie results in him blurting out the God’s honest truth instead.
Imagine what would happen if an entrepreneur were cursed with the same affliction. What would their pitch really look like?

The Sales Pitch

“Hello, I’m Wil Schroter, and thank you for being the only client that was willing to return my phone call. I’ve borrowed my roommate’s car to get here and you’ll probably notice that while it’s the middle of August, I’m wearing a 3 piece wool suit that I bought for a $1 from a thrift store yesterday.

Since this is the first time a real customer has ever looked at my product, I’d like to pitch you on every last idea we’ve ever had for the product, hoping that one of these ideas is something you’re potentially looking to purchase today.

Unlike pitches I’ve given for previous employers that simply meant a bigger commission in my regular paycheck, this time I’ll be pitching for the money that pulls me out of a mountain of debt. In many ways, your reaction to this pitch will determine whether or not I can pay my rent next month, so I certainly hope you like it.

The Product

You may not realize from my fancy PowerPoint presentation that the wonderful product I’m presenting is nowhere near completion. In fact, there has been more product development done in Adobe Photoshop to make these slides look legitimate than on the actual product itself.

Regardless, I’m hoping you share my excitement about the potential of this product, despite the lack of any tangible value that I could deliver today. The beauty of an intangible, undeliverable product is that I can not only make it into anything you desire, I can also sell it to you for any budget you’re willing to pay.

Don’t bother holding your questions to the end of this presentation, because I can already tell you the answer – it’s “yes.” Wondering if the product is effective? Yes. Can we deliver upon your made up timeline? Yes. Are we the best possible vendor for a product that hasn’t even been proven? Well, yes, we are.

The Company

Of course you’ll want some background on our startup company, so let me fill you in on the details.

The company was founded when I realized I could make more money competing against my last employer than working for them. I am taking advantage of this opportunity by draining all of my personal savings, selling every possession I have, and giving my friends and family basic “visiting hours” by which to contact me.

We’re currently in discussions with some very large venture capital firms about investment. So far our discussions have gone so far as to say “who is the person I would speak with to send in our business plan?” and we’re anxiously awaiting their responses.

In addition, we’ve lined up key partnerships with major companies like AT&T (when we signed up for our cell phone), American Express (when we got our credit card), and Dell computer (when we used our Amex to buy a laptop). These vendors are very excited about getting in on the ground floor of our startup company.

The Team

The Team I’ve assembled has an incredible amount of experience in just about everything but starting a company. The man standing beside me is not only our CFO, but is also my cousin-in-law who actually works at H&R block as a tax prep counselor and is on his lunch break for this meeting as a stand-in.

We (and by “we” I mean “I”) have attracted top notch players to our company, especially our all-star Board. You’ll recognize many of the names on our Advisory Board, even if the people on the Board wouldn’t ever recognize ours.

The Close

In closing, I’d like to beg for you to part with even a nickel so we can land our first customer. You’d be shocked and appalled if you knew how little we really had to deliver on a completely underfunded and unstaffed product idea. We hope you’ll look past that to do business with us.

We’re so passionate about what we want to accomplish that we’re completely unaware of what we’re committing to. We’re told that’s what being an entrepreneur is all about, and we assume only other entrepreneurs could be that clueless.

Despite the fact that our whole presentation today is a joke, if you even hint that you’ll work with us, we’re going to be incredibly relieved. We’re going to spend every waking hour from this point forward cow towing to your every whim because frankly, we have no other choice.

We want to be open and fair about how excited we are about this opportunity. Let’s face it – honesty is the best policy, right?”